Many parents are conscientious about making rules for when and how kids can use technology. But what about rules for parents?
For her book, The Big Disconnect, Catherine Steiner-Adair, a psychologist at Harvard, interviewed more than 1000 children, aged 4-18. Over and over, she heard kids talk about how they felt frustrated or forlorn because their parents spent too much time on their cellphones. The same results showed up in the State of the Kid Survey, done by Highlights Magazine in 2014. Over half the children surveyed reported that their parents often didn’t respond to them because they were distracted by technology—laptops, cellphones or television.
Several researchers have observed that interacting with technology is different from other parenting activities like cooking, shopping or even driving in ordinary traffic. Cellphones, in particular, are designed to grab and hold attention, so people lose track of other things including how much time they’ve spent staring at the device. E-mailing, texting or even scrolling through social media preoccupies parents in a way that can make children feel shut out, lonely and unimportant.
At the same time, giving kids constant undivided attention isn’t possible or desirable. Children need to learn how to soothe and amuse themselves. They benefit from opportunities to play and daydream without the direct supervision of adults. Also, good parenting can’t happen in a vacuum. Adults must earn a living and stay informed. They are also likely to be more grounded and happier if they stay connected to colleagues, friends and other parents, something that’s supported by new technologies.
In other words, cellphones and other technological distractions aren’t a problem in and of themselves. They become a problem when parents aren’t mindful about how they distribute their most precious resource—attention. Here are things to consider:
Focus on safety. After years of decline, visits to pediatric emergency rooms have risen. No one can prove cellphones are responsible but research shows that adults who use cellphones while walking, much less driving, are more likely to have accidents. For safety’s sake, parents (and other caregivers) should put away all devices when supervising kids in risky settings—changing tables, bathtubs, parking lots, city streets, swimming pools and playgrounds—where even a moment of inattention can be dangerous.
Make the most of reunions. Adair recommends putting devices on hold when family members see each other after they’ve been separated. Make yourself fully available when you pick your child up from daycare or other activities and when someone (including your spouse!) walks into the house. Plan ahead so you can stop what you’re doing and let your child know how happy you are to see him or her.
Teach (and appreciate) patience. There’s nothing wrong with asking a child to wait while an adult finishes a task. How long a child can be patient depends upon age, temperament and other stresses, so you’ll want to take those variables into account when you ask for “just a sec” to finish something on our phone or laptop. Be sure not to take advantage of your child’s self control. If you promised to get a snack or play a game in ten minutes, set a timer so you keep your commitment. And thank your child for being patient.
Respect tech free zones. Many families enjoy each other’s company more if they put technology off-limits at particular times. Meals and bedtime are obvious choices but you might also set aside time for a walk after dinner or game night on the weekend. Some families make the car a tech-free zone, but others depend on tech to relieve the stress of a long commute. Once you decide on rules that make sense for your family, be sure you follow as well enforce them. Before checking in with a ping that seems urgent, think about what you’re telling your children about their place in your priorities.
Monitor emotions. Do you feel irritated when your child wants your attention? In one recent study, researchers observed caregivers and children in a restaurant. Most of the adults used a cellphone during the meal, and those who were most focused on their phones responded harshly to interruptions. Some kids gave up and sat passively, but others became more disruptive in an effort to get the adult’s attention. If negative feelings are building in you or your child, it’s time to take a tech break and tune in to what’s happening. Take a breath and focus on your child. If you have to correct misbehavior, feel compassion for what has caused it. Notice what your child is doing right. Ask yourself what you can do to restore good feelings.
Make good use of found time. Even when life is very busy, there are moments of unclaimed time. Your toddler is napping. Your school age child is playing happily with a friend. Your teen is engrossed in homework. Use these moments on something that will replenish and not deplete your energies. If you reach for your device, be selective. Answer the e-mail that’s weighing on your conscience. Reach out to the friend who lifts your spirits. Pay attention to your feelings. Does a hit of social media feel refreshing? Or would you be better served using found time on exercise, crossing off something on the To Do list or daydreaming with a cup of tea?
Think about times in your life when you have felt treasured and loved. In all likelihood, you had another person’s full attention. Be sure your child regularly has that experience in your company. Read together. Share a snack. Take a walk. Play a game. Snuggle before bedtime. What you do doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that you let go of everything else so your child can feel the security and warmth of your undistracted love.
Carolyn Jabs, M.A., raised three computer savvy kids including one with special needs. She has been writing Growing Up Online for ten years and is working on a book about constructive responses to conflict. Visit www.growing-up-online.com to read other columns.
@ Copyright, 2016, Carolyn Jabs. All rights reserved.