Archives for 2019

The Conversation You Need to Have

Recently, the media has been filled with buzzwords and hashtags — from #TimesUp to #MeToo to #NeverAgain — it is very likely that your children (especially if they are school-aged) have heard some pretty upsetting things. It’s just as likely that they have questions.

While your initial instinct may be to shield them from any disturbing news, consider using the opportunity to engage in a meaningful exchange, one that will address their questions and alleviate their fears. Sounds reasonable on the outside, doesn’t it? But once you are face-to-face with that wide-eyed innocence, it can be absolutely heartbreaking to think of shattering that protective bubble of a trustworthy, fairytale world you’ve so carefully crafted for them.

Time to face this parenting thing head on and do what you need to do to really keep them safe, because no matter what, the bottom line is: The Kids Come First. Always.

Make these difficult subjects a part of the bigger, ongoing conversation on safety. And start young, very young. If you are open with your communication, teaching them things like the names for body parts and letting them understand which are private, you will have an easier time discussing more specific issues. Allow children to care for their own bodies when washing and using the toilet so they don’t need to depend on adult involvement when they are out.

Teach young children the difference between types of “secrets.” Keeping a temporary secret so they don’t ruin a surprise birthday gift is OK, but permanent secrets like not telling parents about someone inappropriately touching them is Never OK.

Stories from testimonies against Larry Nassar left us shaking our heads. How did the parents not see the red flags? Some girls even tried to expose the abuse, but were not believed by their own parents. When your children want to talk to you, take them seriously, make the time, and pay attention to what they say and what they don’t say. Stay calm, and get all the facts. Be sure they know they are not to blame.

Conversely, be careful not to overreact before having clear information. A Staten Island mom told me her kindergartener said she didn’t want to go to the school nurse anymore because she didn’t like it when the nurse touched her. Immediately, the mom’s reaction was one of fear. “What do you mean? Where did she touch you?” “I bumped my head at school and it hurt when she touched the bump,” was the reply. It’s always best to flesh out the details before rushing to judgment.

According to the World Health Organization, children rarely disclose sexual abuse immediately after the event. Disclosure tends to be a process rather than a single episode and is often initiated following a physical complaint or a change in behavior.

We are part of a society that teaches our children to be obedient and respectful, which can put them in an awkward position. Tell your children it’s OK to say no, and support them if they are uncomfortable with hugging or kissing people—even so-called “trusted” friends and relatives! You can allow them to wave, smile, give a High 5 or fist bump instead. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network cites an unbelievable statistic: 93% of children who have been sexually assaulted knew their perpetrator. 93%! Children must know to trust their inner voice, and that they can always count on you as a protector of their safety. Again, the bottom line is always: The Kids Come First.

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Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse

The following may indicate sexual abuse and should not be ignored:

• Unexplained pain, itching, redness, or bleeding in the genital area
• Difficulty and/or pain when sitting or walking
• Increased nightmares or bedwetting
• Withdrawn behavior or appearing to be in a trance
• Angry outbursts or sudden mood swings
• Loss of appetite or difficulty swallowing
• Anxiety or depression
• Sudden, unexplained avoidance of certain people or places
• Sexual knowledge, language, or behavior that is unusual for the child’s age

 

Resources for more information and help:

• Child Welfare Information Gateway
  www.childwelfare.gov Live Chat between 10am-5pm • 800.394.3366 between 9:30am-5:30pm • To report abuse: 1.800.4AChild (1.800.422.4453)
• National Sexual Assault Hotline
  www.rainn.org  24/7 Live Chat •  800.656.HOPE
• Prevent Child Abuse New York
  www.preventchildabuseny.org • 1.800.CHILDREN or 518.880.3592
• National Child Abuse Hotline
  www.childhelp.org • 480.922.8212
• New York State Office of Children & Family Services
  800.342.3720 or 518.474.8740
  www.ocfs.state.ny.us/main/cps

National Center for Missing & Exploited Children
www.missingkids.org
703.224.2150 • 24/7 Hotline: 800.THE.LOST

The Takeaway

• Keep an open, calm, we-can-talk-about-anything attitude with your children so they will always be comfortable telling you what’s going on in their lives.
• Teach them to be independent so they don’t rely on other adults for personal caretaking.
• Listen carefully to be sure you have the facts correct.
• Never blame the child.

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Strengths, Along with Challenges, Are All Part of the Spectrum

Today autism touches almost all of our lives. People often relate with recognition such as “my brother’s-wife’s-cousin’s-son has autism” if no one in their immediate family has been diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). As time goes on and nearly 2% of the children being born in the U.S. are diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, each one of us will have more direct contact with people with autism.

If you cannot immediately call to mind the strengths of those with autism, you probably don’t know enough about people on the spectrum. You may even harbor old, outdated stereotypes of non-functional children rocking in the corner. Today’s autism encompasses a much wider range of abilities and levels of functionality than the old stereotypes described. The autism community is comprised of as many personality types, talents, and interests as the rest of the world. However, unless you know someone with autism fairly well, when you interact with them the autism usually shows first, and the individual is misunderstood before they have had a chance to demonstrate some of their many abilities, talents or good qualities.

People with autism are often quite bright; some are able to recite amazing numbers of facts and details about specific topics. I hear it all the time from the parents I speak to about their children. Many people with autism are very creative and have a penchant for math, science, and technology. Temple Grandin, the most well recognized voice of the autism community, has said that “…if you love the laptop you have today, you better hope they don’t cure autism, or you won’t have another one!” Silicon Valley is reported to be teeming with individuals on the autism spectrum successfully creating the new technology the rest of us enjoy!

Although not every individual with autism can work successfully, when given work that interests them and utilizes their strengths, as well as appropriate training, individuals on the autism spectrum can be dependable, focused, and thorough with tasks that would cause many of us to glaze over after five minutes. Attention to detail is a strength that many of those on the spectrum exhibit. Today, those with ASD are finding their way to fruitful employment in banks and credit card companies who have discovered that they have a proclivity toward finding anomalies in large sets of data, making them ideal for working in the areas of automation, data analytics and cybersecurity.

People with autism thrive in a routine. Once established and learned, they are usually incredibly consistent and stable employees who are very dependable, and stick to their loyalties like glue. Many people with ASD are considered to be “rule followers,” a generally positive attribute that can become annoying if you find yourself on the wrong side of the rules!

It would be an oversight to end this discussion of the strengths of those with autism without discussing their incredible creativity, ability to think outside the box, and artistic talents. So many of history’s brightest and most highly recognized creators are thought to have been on the autism spectrum. This includes such historical greats as Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Sir Isaac Newton, Michelangelo, Mozart, Beethoven and Hans Christian Anderson. Also, contemporary creative masters Jim Henson, Bill Gates, and Tim Burton make the list*.

The bottom line is that when their functional difficulties can be mitigated or ignored, and their creative talent, stalwart focusing ability, and natural consistency can be nurtured or leveraged, the formula for appreciating the strengths of those with autism in today’s world is in place.

By Jeanne Beard, Founder, National Autism Academy, Parent and Professional Training for Autism Success and author of Autism & The Rest of Us: How to Sustain a Healthy, Functional and Satisfying Relationship with a Person on the Autism Spectrum •  www.nationalautismacademy.com

*http://www.asperger-syndrome.me.uk   and   http://www.babble.com/entertainment/famous-people-with-autism

 

 

 

Empowering Kids for a Bright Future

Despite significant strides in recent years, women today earn twenty-one percent less than men according to a March 8, 2017, report by Sonam Sheth and Skye Gould on BusinessInsider. Women also continue to be underrepresented in the boardroom, top executive positions, and the fast-growing fields of technology according to many sources.

Studies have shown part of the reason this inequality persists is that when girls reach early adolescence their self-esteem drops significantly. During this stage, girls become more focused on their appearance and how boys will perceive them. This often inhibits them from competing with or in front of boys. As a result, girls fail to develop the know-how and the confidence necessary for competing later in the job market.

Another reason women are underrepresented and earn less is that in spite of changes in recent generations, girls are still subject to stereotypes concerning marriage, raising children, and certain occupations. Such stereotypes steer girls, often unintentionally, into traditional paths and roles regardless of their interests and abilities.

For these reasons, Take Our Daughters to Work Day was created in 1993 by the Ms. Foundation. The purpose was to help girls realize the importance of their abilities and to reach their full potential.

In 2003, the observation was officially changed to Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, to be inclusive of all kids. Now, kids have the opportunity to experience the workforce one day each year, helping them to envision what tomorrow has to offer.

On April 26, 2018, be a part of this nationwide event and empower your daughters and sons for a bright and fulfilling future.

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A day at work with your kids

On Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, get your child off to a good start by having your child dress accordingly and arriving on time. Avoid having your child just observe, and have some work and tasks set aside to keep your child busy throughout the day. Also, try some of the following:

• Have your kid keep a journal throughout the day, describing different aspects of the occupation your child likes and dislikes and why.
• Ask your daughter or son to compose questions about the occupation and interview coworkers. Questions might include the pros and cons of the job, why coworkers chose the occupation, and what their day entails. If your child is shy or opposed to the idea, don’t force it. You want your child to leave with positive feelings about the day.
• Describe to your child hypothetical problems or situations that might arise in your job, and ask your child for ideas and solutions.
• Help your child write a letter and an occupational questionnaire. Then have your child prepare them for mailing to businesses and professionals in occupations of interest. Be sure to include a self-addressed stamped envelope for a response, and take them to the post office at the end of the day.
• Give your son or daughter a camera, a Polaroid if possible, to take photos throughout the day. Then have your child compile a Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day scrapbook. Your child can include descriptions of each photo and what your child learned or discovered.
• Visit yourfreecareertest.com where kids can do a free online survey to discover what careers fit your child’s personality and interests. Then your child can go to kids.usa.gov/teens/jobs/ for career information designed just for young teens.
• Help your child create a career folder and design forms to track school classes, grades, career interests and experiences, honors and awards, and other relevant information for preparing for a secondary education or joining the workforce.

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Alternatives for taking kids to work

Not all kids will have the opportunity to participate in Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. Talk with family and friends and mention they can volunteer to take a child to work who otherwise won’t have the opportunity.

If you’re unable to take your child to work, volunteer to assist a teacher, help with a political campaign, or other community service project in which your child can still have the experience.

Give your child alternative opportunities if your child has interest in a particular occupation. If you know someone in the field, ask if your child can go to work with them. Or ask a nearby company what it’s planning for the day and how your child can participate.

Other ways parents can participate and promote the day
Taking kids to work isn’t the only way parents can participate. By doing the following, parents can make the most of the day for all kids and show their kids the significance of the day and the importance of their future.

Promote Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day by writing a letter to the editor to create awareness.

Form a committee in your community or at work to promote the day, and plan events to make it a success.

Create fliers to remind parents of the upcoming day, and post them on community bulletin boards in libraries, grocery stores, and banks. Also, ask companies to post them in their break rooms or on employee bulletin boards.

Ask your employer to support the event, and discuss ways the company can help make the day a success. Assist in planning special activities for girls throughout the day such as speakers, group discussions, or a luncheon.

Organize a speaking engagement in your community to share with parents the importance of the day, ways they can participate, and what they can do when they take their kids to work.

By Kimberly Blaker, is a lifestyle and parenting freelance writer. •  www.theyounggma.com

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Mia Mannarino is a true warrior. She’s currently fighting acute lymphoblastic leukemia, but that hasn’t stopped the brave nine-year-old in her mission to help other children who are sick. She’s already generously collected hundreds of toys and thousands of character bandaids for kids in the hospital. According to her mom, these “drops” not only bring a smile to the face of children who need it, but also keep Mia’s mind off her own battle with leukemia.

Her next goal is to bring summer to the pediatric ward of Richmond University Medical Center in her fifth collection, Mia’s No More Ouchie Summertime Lovin’ Drop. She needs your help to make it a special summer for these children. She will be collecting the following items until June 1:

• Plain tee shirts (any colors and all sizes, even for the adults)
• Anything to decorate shirts with (markers, paint, gems to glue on, fun kid stencils, etc.)
• Puffy paint, all colors
• Mini glue guns and sticks to fit
• Plain pillow cases
• Small wooden birdhouses to paint
• Fun character bandaids
• Other fun items (message Mia with your ideas)

There is also an Amazon Wish list where specific items can be purchased and sent directly to Mia. You can link to it here. The cutoff for donations is June 1, as the items will be delivered just before school lets out. If you are interested in donating, please message Mia on Facebook (the account is run by her mom). You can link to her Facebook page here or by searching the hashtags #TeamMiaTheGreat or #MiaTheGreat08 on Instagram and Facebook.

Good luck, Mia! We wish you and the children at RUMC all the best this summer and always!

My 15-year-old son and I were planning to attend his high school’s Mother-Son Brunch. We were asked to send in two pictures of ourselves with our son for a then and now slide show presentation. Finding a current picture of the two of us was easy. I had some on my phone that we had taken at Christmas.

I dug out the photo albums to find an older picture of the two of us, because let’s face it, my electronic filing system of pictures is a hot mess. As I flipped through photo albums, I found tons of pictures of my son – at birth, in preschool, playing soccer, at school events and holidays. But I struggled to find one of just him and me.

My son is the youngest of three, so most of the pictures I took of him in the early days include his sisters or all five of us. There are even several of him and his dad doing “boy things.” After an hour of searching, I had come up with three pictures of just the two of us. Three! For each picture, I remember another mom asking me if I would like her to take a picture of us (probably hoping I would, in exchange, take a picture of her and her son).

Frustrated that I only had a few pictures of my son and me alone, I searched for some of me and my daughters. Sadly, I ran into the same problem. Why weren’t there any pictures of me and my kids alone? And then it hit me. I was never in the pictures because it was my job to take the pictures.

When I look back at the photographs of my son smiling ear to ear, I have to assume that I was smiling, too. Those were happy times in his life and important enough to want to save and remember again another day. I only felt it was important to catch his reaction of the event. My reaction, from the other side of the camera, was simply pride.

I guess that is how life is supposed to be. We are meant to stand across from our children and watch their lives happen. It gives us a better perspective to help guide them through their lives, warning them of upcoming turns or bumps in the road. When you are standing next to your child, you have a tendency to want to take the lead, the credit and the blame.

While I regret not being able to look back on my younger self in my son’s pictures, I have to remember that those moments were not about me. I already had my first trip to Disney, special Halloween costumes and school awards ceremonies. Those were my moments. The funny thing is, when I look back at the pictures of my moments, my parents must have stood somewhere outside the frame, too.

If I would have captured myself at my son’s moments, I would have pictures of a younger me sitting in chairs on the sideline, holding everyone’s things, cheering, yawning, crying, checking my watch, talking to the people around me and clapping at all the right times. There might even be pictures of me on my phone, catching up on social media while waiting for my son to do his thing.

One day my son might look back at the pictures and notice that I am not in very many of them. I will tell him I was there, just on the other side of the camera, smiling as I watched him grow into the person he is today.

By Pam Molnar, a mother of three and a founding member of Unorganized Photos Anonymous. Despite lack of a filing system, she has captured some of the best moments in her kids’ lives.