I’m not a new mom. My kids are eight and four, so I’m not exactly new to this parenting rodeo. But like most moms, I’ll certainly never forget the sleepless nights, the ups and downs, the endless stress, and all of the bittersweet moments that go along with having a new baby. I put together this list to let the new moms know that everyone kind of loses it the first time around (and sometimes the second and third time too).
You might be a new mom if….
1. At least once a night, you jump up out of bed like a maniac to make sure the baby is breathing.
2. Much like the Great Wall of China, the dark circles under your eyes are visible from space.
3. You have threatened the life of at least one telemarketer (or relative) for calling during the baby’s nap.
4. You play rock-paper-scissors with your spouse over who has to change the next dirty diaper (and somehow you lose every time).
5. You find yourself searching every corner and crevice of your house to see where that nasty odor is coming from— and then realize that it’s you. You smell like a person who hasn’t showered in over a week (because you haven’t).
6. You proudly recite your baby’s height, weight, head circumference, and frequency of bowel movements to all close friends and relatives at the start of each conversation (and a quick conversation it will be, as they are likely thinking of a good excuse to get off the phone with you).
7. You will stop at nothing to quiet a screaming baby, even if it means wasting gallons of water letting the baby listen to the faucet run, or pacing the floor for hours at a time, alternating between swaying, bopping, rocking, and humming, or even watching rap videos all night.
8. The last home-cooked meal you had (while sitting down, no less!) was last Christmas, and you certainly weren’t the one who cooked it.
9. You agree that waking a sleeping baby is an offense punishable by termination of friendship and possibly loss of life to the offender.
10. Coffee. Just coffee. Lots and lots and lots of it.
11. Your trips to Babies R Us “just for diapers” are doing more damage to your bank account than your wedding did.
12. The next person to ask “is the baby cold?” is getting kicked out of your house.
13. Same goes for the next person to ask “where is his hat? Doesn’t he have a hat?”
14. The next person to say “just sleep when they sleep” will be forced to wash every dish in the sink, mop the kitchen floor, fold five loads of laundry, and get dinner started…all in the duration of a 45-minute nap with time to spare.
15. Your diaper bag: a quick trip to the store or leaving town for a week? There is no difference.
16. You’ve finally been introduced of the wonderful world of children’s television, where torturously catchy songs will play on an endless loop in your head for the next five years or so. You will, at least once or twice, fall sleep singing “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’M THE MAP.”
17. You used to picture how adorable your baby would look in all of those cute little bathrobes you received at your baby shower, and then you gave her a bath for the first time and quickly threw them all in the donation pile.
18. Your pediatrician is at the top of your contact list, and you could easily navigate the route to his office in your sleep.
19. What was once your living room is now merely an obstacle course of large, brightly-colored objects, designed to hold or occupy your baby for any period of time – none of which work nearly as well as merely holding him yourself and utilizing your only free arm for household tasks.
20. And that other arm? The one holding the baby? Let’s just say the Incredible Hulk has NOTHING on you and your freakishly strong baby-holding arm.
21. Remember when you created your first resume and listed “excellent at multi-tasking” as one of your skills? Ha! You didn’t even know the definition of multi-tasking until now.
22. Google is your new best friend! And also your very worst enemy.
23.You have officially been peed on by another human being (and I really do hope that’s a first for you).
24. You bought a smart phone with 128GB of memory for pictures and videos and ran out of space before your baby rolled over for the first time.
25. Remember how much you loved the baby yesterday? Well, that love just doubled today. And tomorrow, it’ll triple. And the day after that, it’ll quadruple. It never stops. Someday, your baby will grow into a precious, baby-faced toddler, and she’ll say “I love you” for the first time ever, and your heart will explode into so many pieces that you’ll need a broom and dustpan to pick them all up.
Try to remember that feeling after your sweet little angel has her first public meltdown.
By Jeannine Cintron, a Staten Island mom of two. Read her blog at HighchairsandHeadaches.com